Killer Spinsters

2005-04-01T14:32:00.000-08:00

There were once two roomates named Tammy and Hortence.

They lived in a big white house that Hortence had inherited from

her parents (who, several years ago, had died from choking on

a rib bone at LB's Barbeque). Everything was going smoothly until...

Hortence's boyfriend, E.J., decided to make an unannounced visit.

Tammy promised to keep him company while Hortence worked

the day shift at Pet Supplies Plus. Getting off work early, Hortence

came home and walked in to witness a ghastly deed.

She was angry, to say the least.

Tammy quickly tried to explain herself. "It...it's not what it looks

like!" she exclaimed.

Hortence decided to take matters into her own hands.

One night, Hortence mixed an allergic spice into Tammy's food.

Tammy broke out in big nasty hives and began vomitting profusely

into the bowl from which it came.

Hortence's thirst for revenge was not satisfied. She lunged.

Though Hortence had Tammy in an iron grip of death, Tammy

managed to squirm out of Hortence's angry arms.

Hortence took extreme measures by proceeding to

shave Tammy's arm to the bone with a razor.

She was horrified.

The pain was excrutiating.

As Tammy's eyes rolled back into her head during the midst of pain,

she thought to herself, "I'll get my revenge...I will!"

One day, Hortence was lounging around the house, looking at

the computer, not knowing that her fate was just around the corner

(literally).

Tammy decided now was the time to take revenge for

her stolen hand, which had now been replaced with a

green back scratcher.

*Gulp* *Burp*

She gazed upon Hortence with a dandy look of hate.

"Arrrrrrrrrrrgh! Give me back my goddamn hand!"

"I'm scared," Hortence thought to herself. She screamed, "Tammy,

what's going on? Look, we're two civilized young adults. We can

work this out! Tammy! Tammmmmmmy!"

"Hortence, I've always felt nothing but love for you...and E.J...

but that's beside the point. Let me tell you something, Hortence,

I may be a Judas whore, but you're a goddamn hand-knapping bitch!"

As Hortence's life flashed before her eyes, she wondered how she

had ever let Tammy and that goddamn back scratcher get the best

of her. Then, Tammy dragged her down to the basement where she

cut off her elbow and snapped her neck in two.

THE END

Like Stella, I am waiting to exhale...

Killer Spinsters